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| Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again
Where? I dont know
Maria says shes dying through the door I hear her crying
Why? I dont know
Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates
Maria came from nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said shed like to meet a boy who looks like elvis
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like shes walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says shes close to understanding jesus
She knows shes more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when shes nervous
Round here were carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here shes slipping through my hands
Sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mamas little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning
She says its only in my head
She says shhh I know its only in my head
But the girl on car in the parking lot says
man you should try to take a shot
Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
She says shes tired of life she must be tired of something
Round here shes always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here were never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I cant see nothing, nothing round here
Catch me if Im falling I just dont know anymore--I know its such a blanket statement and it doesnt clearly define any parameters but in all sincerity I just dont know. I use to know-I use to have a plan. There was a loving wife, a nice home fulfilling jobs for us both, kids, a dog and so much love that it couldnt be contained. Minstry to our community and making a difference in the life of those around us..Here I sit not able to sleep for whatever reason thinking about the life I once had. I still want that life. I dont know how to get it or where to find it, but I know that is the life I want, I am not saying it includes the person i once had it with that ship has sailed and I want to neve hear from her again. but back to the topic at hand- how do I even begin to find what i want how do I know that its truly what i want. Can I trust myself here? How did I end up in the middle of the carribean? how do I ever let my gaurd down enough to trust someone at that level again. Seriously the thought of that level of intimacy with anyone freaks me out. After all I have been there and thought that I had someone who was committed and after basically 5 years betrays me by cheating on me and then plays games with me for another 8 months. How do you not let the potential of falling for someone like that again become a factor. Did I mention that I dont even really know how I ended up ona cruise ship? How do you keep yourself intact when you are around so many people who have no idea who you really are? how do you keep from losing sight of what you are really all about when disapointment haunts your every step. I feel almost more lost now then i ever have. I keep asking myself what i really want and the answer is the same everytime.- to be loved unconditionally by someone else as much as i unconditionally love them-how do you find this.......I don't even know.....and in between the moon and you angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right | | |
| There are definetly days when I feel very alone. The feeling of being alone or lonely comes from a variety of things. Somedays I feel like I am the only one that gets what this life is all about, that so many other people say one thing and go and live another even though they swear up and down by the thing that contradicts how they are actually liveing. I am not talking about being perfect. I will be the first person that tells you I screw up. I am not always right and I certainly dont have all the answers. Some days the feeling comes from feeling like I suck so badly at life. I look at all I struggle with, the major losses in my life over the last 2 years, and the hardship that it feels like I am continually against. The rest of the time it comes from having part of my soul ripped out of my chest by someone that I Love unconditionally. That is the one that leaves me feeling the most alone. There are days when I wish I never knew what it meant to love someone as much as I have for I would never have known how much it hurts or how hard it is to deal with when that person abandons you, no matter what the reason may be. It hurts even worse when it happens a second time, even more so when the person promises one thing and does another. It makes you not want to trust anyone really. However I know that is no way to live, and quite frankly is just not my style. I am the guy that you can always find forgiveness with no matter what you have done or where you have been. I dont hold things over peoples heads. Mistakes are.....well they are mistakes, and as long as you get on your knees and humble yourself before God and deal with them I mean honestly deal with them then I have no problem. This I have also discovered is one of my(probably many) tragic flaws. Sometimes because I am this guy I get taken advantage of. Some people get mad at this, but to them I say did Christ retaliate in retrubution from the cross? I am definetly not trying to bring myself to the level of the Godhead here I am simply showing the example that we have to follow. However I also choose happiness for myself and part of that comes with finding someone who isnt going to run off every time some other guys flashes a smile and pays them a compliment or two. My friends it doesnt take love to to flash the smile and it probably isnt love that causes you to swoon over the compliment. Most likely its probably a form of lust. I am not saying that attraction and all that is bad. I am saying when you promise one thing to someone and you act this way toward someone other than that person it is. I know alot of you are saying what the crap is this all about. Well the truth is only one person that comes here every day knows what I am really saying here. so dont worry to much about it. If you can pull something away from this good if not I hope it was an interesting read. On the up side I had a moment of ironic revelation last night. The one thing that was always some kind of complaint was feeling like we could never travel. Funny thing is with the new job you could have been with me for a week out of every month in whatever exotic location i happened to have been at for free. So much for our plans to get to travel together. It really just made me kinda laugh. Anyway enough of all that. Thetruth is friends Love honest love whether it is romantic or otherwise starts out and ends with unconditionallity, and seldom lives on inuendos, your favorite songs, and never looks like a sitcom. It is far deeper and more passionate than any of those. When the warm feelings slip away what do you really have? I hope it is someone that you can always count on and know will be there to love you no matter what happens in this life. That is my honest hope and prayer. What was I talking about? Oh yea....Lonliness , it has a lot of different causes. I am not worried though cause my life is not my own and I serve something far greater than any of this and I dont have to tell people they know by how I live. Much love my friends I almost forgot. I hope you keep reading, I want you to find whatever it is that you are looking for....I really really do. | | |
| Today is a soap box day. Yes all the hurt is still running around inside my head and heart and I am desperately trying to push thru. However I am sick and tired of hearing people say that they love Jesus and then live for themselves every day. It is something that I hear so often. As if by just saying you love Jesus is enough. Thats the most selfish and ridiculous thing I have ever heard. My friends speak louder than words and if you say you love Jesus and no one would no by looking at your life then maybe it is time to stop and think about what that really means. When we choose to love Him that comes with our obedience to His word. James tells us that the man that knows to do good and doesnt do it is sinning. That means living selfishly is out. It is NOT an excuse we can use to do whatever the hell we feel like doing. If you love Jesus then prove it to Him. Yes He knows your heart better than anyone else, which also means he knows when you are lying to yourself to make yourself feel better. It is time to drop pretenses my friends. If we Truly love Jesus then let our lives say it for us. If we have to tell people with our mouths because they cant see for themselves then it is time to face this problem head on. Maybe it is time for us to do a real heart check and see if we are honestly one of His children. The Word is very clear. We cannot serve 2 masters. We can not serve ourselves and God. We cannot serve our parents and God. We cannot serve our friends and God. We must lay down our pride and come to the thrown of grace and find the hope and peace that we are looking for. My challange to one and all this ressurection sunday is that if we say we love Jesus to PROVE IT!! It is time to give Him the honor and respect that He is do alone. It doenst matter to me how long you have been in a pulpit or a ministry. I dont care if your parents were pastors or your uncle. I dont care if you think you have been saved your entire life. I am telling you it is far better to be honest withourselves then to delude ourselves to hell. I dont know. Given the choice to serve the King or live selfishly serving myself and deluding myself into hell just doesnt sound like a good plan. However I know that many of us do it. If you feel the slightest twinge in your gut or the smallest bit of doubt in the back of your mind. Please lay your pride aside and just make sure that you have submited yourself to God. Make sure that you are serving Him. Humble yourself and get on your knees and claim the forgivness that He wants to give to you. and if you say you love Jesus make sure that your actions say the same thing. | | |
| She got out of town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
I got a hole in me now
yeah,I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Let that city take you in, come on home
Let that city spit you out, come on home
Let that city take you down, yeah
God's sake turn around
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Come on home
Baby, baby, baby
Come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home
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| I have done a lot of thinking over the last few days and it amazes me the choices that people make. I know that it shouldnt but it still does. Maybe its because I always hope that people will make the better choice. I dont really know. It alsocontinues to amaze me that a person caught in a lie will continue to cover for that lie even though they have been caught. That same person will continue to make themselves feel justified by attacking the other person and telling that person they are the one that cant be trusted when that person has only been honest and given the entirety of their heart to the first. Along those same lines a guy can offer all of his heart and soul to a woman demonstrate that he cares for her spiritually, emotionally, physically, and she will struggle to choose between that man and the one who has just recently appeared and not once demonstrated that he cares about her heart our soul but very clearly that he wants to get her into bed and that woman will struggle with that choice. I think part of it comes down to the first point I made and choosing to be truly honest with oneself. Being honest about the way the new guy on the scene is actually talking to you and realizing what the first guy is actually offering to you. I do believe it comes down to the truth and what it really is and whether you are "man" enough to own up to it. Whether I am right or not only time will tell and I pray that I am not completly right, unfortunatly I think I am. I have seen it happen to friends around me and I have felt it happen to myself. I have watched my best friend get hurt time after time after time and is in all apperances about to go thru that again. It comes down to a choice. I think people have to come back to a place where they realize they have to stop and think for themselves and think about the consequences of the actions they have choosen. I know this as well as anyone and I feel the consequences of my actions every day. There are lots of things I wish I could go back and do differently, I know that I personally have made plenty of mistakes and unfortunalty have some to make in the future. I hope that I am wrong about the future, I really really do but if you look at the information truthfully the conclusion i have come to feels more inevitable than not. | | |
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